Friday, July 30, 2010

Joy & Valor... the search is on!

The other day I finally cashed in on a "massage" I had won at a fundraising auction last November. Yes, it took me 8 months to finally spend two hours just pampering myself. That tells you where my priorities have been. (not on myself)

The woman I went to see was not your traditional masseuse... she is a Holistic Health Educator, specializing in Polarity Therapy, Rieki, Reflexology, Sound & Aromatherapies, and Raindrop Technique (soooo curious what that entails!). She believes in the power of Yoga and meditation, and just BEING PRESENT. (good lord, I can't remember the last time I let my mind go totally blank! Kindergarden???). She spent a month in India studying under a master-something-or-other, which sounded very impressive, and very similar to the storyline of "Eat Pray Love", which she has NOT read but has had mentioned to her almost daily. We spent the first 30 minutes mostly talking, about my life, my priorities, and my physical and emotional issues. I expected to get some sort of reiki massage, but ended up in tears, and finally in the end, with a new resolve to make some true changes in my life and my routines.

I've felt for awhile now that I have lost myself a bit. I know many "stay-at-home" mothers feel this way to an extent... I used to have a big, busy "important" job in New York City, and now I'm a housewife & mommy in midwest Ohio. What does that mean? Where did my brain capacity go? Will I ever be able to re-enter the workforce? Will I ever WANT to?

I discussed many of these things with the "non-masseuse", and even ended up in tears. I have weight I want/need to lose... but I have completely lacked the time, focus, and motivation to do it. I used to be able to accomplish just about ANYTHING I wanted to. Where had that ambition and strength gone? Where was my instinct to take care of ME at all costs?

Obviously, the "costs" are bigger now... I have a husband and a child and a home, and I cannot push them aside, nor do I want to. But I do need to focus on ME again. To prove to myself that my strength is still there.

Before I left the session, which included walking barefoot into the parking lot to take deep breaths under the trees, she had me smell some of her secret-special aromatherapy bottles. Of course, those of you who know me know I have Anosmia, meaning no sense of smell, whatsoever. I explain this to her, but she insists that the potency is not necessarily lost on me, which I do agree with to an extent. One bottle was called JOY. And I did feel lit up from the inside after a few deep breaths. Another was called VALOR. I don't know what I felt from it, but I knew that I wanted it.

Valor is defined as: boldness or determination in facing great danger; heroic courage; bravery; to be of worth. Synonyms: Intrepidity, spirit.

JOY and VALOR. Two things I need to deepen in my life.

Don't get me wrong, I have enormous amounts of joy in my life. My husband, my friends, my daughter, my family, and even my dog bring me joy that I can't quantify. But I need to find some joy that will come from ME. And I'm taking back my Valor, dammit.

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